A Great Loss

Here I sit with a heavy heart. A young girl that I know, whom is only 19, just lost her baby. 

She went into labor last night at 25 weeks. The doctors did an emergency C-section and the baby did not survive. My heart is heavy for her and the loss that she is suffering right now. It also brings back memories of the time when I was in the same spot with one exception. Well maybe two. One ;I was married and two ; I was all the way across the country from my family so I had no support. Thankfully she has a very loving mother who is right there by her side. She also has an uncle who cares for her deeply and lots of other relatives and friends.

 I was 17 when I delivered my first child and she was stillborn. I remember it like it was yesterday. I started cramping and hurting, went into my bathroom thinking that that was where I needed to be. Instead, upon sitting down I felt a great amount of pressure and then something went splash. I stood up and looked and there was my baby, yes in the toilet bowl. I panicked and reached in and pulled it out, wrapped it up and got in the car, drove to the emergency room. I was 17 I had no idea what was going on or what to do. 

When I got to the emergency room they ask me what the problem was and I told them I had just delivered my baby. I remember the guy looking at me like I was crazy and he said where is it. I opened up the towel, they immediately rushed me to a room. Where they left me for several hours alone, scared and in pain. My body began to go through the motions of delivery. If you are a woman you know the things that I referred to. And I will spare you details. 

After some time they told me they were admitting me and that I would need a DNC. I didn't even know what that was. They prepared me and took me upstairs. Upon entering the operating room,being very scared and in a lot of pain, I remember looking around at all of the people and was confused. I was told that they were students and that they would be observing the procedure and that it would also be filmed. They had me sign a form. When I woke up I was in a room and it was the next day. 

The nurse came in and was very cold and spoke to me in medical terms telling me what had happened and what I could and could not do for the next six weeks. Scared and alone I lay there in the bed and tried to be strong. 

When my husband finally showed up it was to take me home. I was in the hospital for two days and I never saw him or heard from him. When I was released they put me in a wheelchair and took me downstairs and there was our car. I got in and we drove home. He never said a word to me. 

When we got to our apartment and inside he said I have to go back to work I will see you later and he walked out and shut the door. For the next nine months almost consistently I laid on my couch during the day and I cried while I watched soap operas and commiserated with the poor ladies. 

I didn't go anywhere unless I had to. Then one day I woke up and decided enough was enough. So I shoved all of my pain and emotion in a box deep within my heart and I started to live life but not really because I drank a lot. I pretended to be happy and I partied with all my neighbors. It wasn't until many years later that I was able to deal with it. And when I finally did it was after losing four babies. 

I am very thankful to say that that I have three biological sons that I love dearly and I have two adopted children. I am very blessed to have these wonderful young adults in my life but when I hear or read of someone who has suffered the loss of a baby it takes me back to that scared 17-year-old girl in the hospital all alone. 

It is not easy and I do hope and pray that she has someone to talk to a counselor,pastor,anyone. I am praying for her healing not just physically but also emotionally. Now at the age of...over 50 with grandchildren, I'm not sure that I have ever fully healed from my loses. I sit here now writing this, trying not to cry, feeling her pain and my own all over again. 

She is a strong young woman but even strong women have moments of weakness. She has suffered several losses the past two years and that takes its toll on even the strongest.

My heart goes out to her like I said and it is my prayer that she finds someone she can trust and confide in during this immense time of grief.

So to all the babies who left too early, we love you.